MUST-READ: Out of Control by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D.
July 02, 2014
Moms, we have our own triumphs and struggles as parents. Some days are better than others.
I have a happy family but it's not perfect especially when it comes to bringing up my kids. It's not easy to be a mom.
Unconsciously, we tend to raise our children the way we were raised up by our parents. We have the tendency of intervening in their growth by always being there, catching them when they fall. They become so dependent and they become unprepared facing the realities of life because we shelter them too much. Our inconsistencies bring confusion and sometimes because of this, they get away with things that are not appropriate. Boundaries that are not set clearly, not being observant in our kids' way of reaching out, trying to become aggressors instead of guides make their lives with us chaotic.
Giving the chance to read Out of Control by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D. made me realize so many things about the way I mother my kids. There were points in the book that made me feel like being slapped on the face. I had the time to reflect that most of my practices as a parent I thought were correct but obviously didn't work at all.
The book turned me around. I saw the difference in the way my kids responded to me when I started exercising the strategies that Dr. Shefali shared.
Let me give you the excerpts that struck me the most where I started thinking of my own realizations and looked backed on my own experiences as a child and parent:
1 "When we engage with our children from the belief that child discipline is a vital aspect of our role as parents, we assume children are inherently undisciplined and need to be civilized."
2 "Disciplining our child by taking away their phone, yelling or grounding, hitting them only perpetuates the problem, not resolving it."
3 "The patterns of behavior we witness in childhood become the template for our own way of parenting."
4 "We become blinded with our ideals that we forget that we cause damage to our children. if we believe something is for our child's own good, we force our ways on them. Terrorizing a child is a terrible thing to do unless you want to teach them to terrorize."
5 "We don't give consequence. Consequence is something that's automatically built into a situation without having to do anything at all. The moment we imagine we have to give our child a consequence, which requires us to think one, we have moved into the realm of punishment."
6 "The only time we should interfere with natural consequence taking effect is if there's real danger, such as when a child is about to run into a busy road, swallow a poisonous substance, or in other way harm themselves or another person. In other words consequences that are inherently detrimental for children on a universal basis that the child may not know about or understand. In these circumstances we parents have to step in."
7 "When a child's behavior isn't up to par, parents feel they need to do something- whether rescuing them, punishing them, bribing them, or in some way intervening. In contrast, exposing our children to NATURAL CONSEQUENCES requires us to step back from so much doing, while actively monitoring how life is teaching our children and providing encouragement and guidance when they require it."
8 "The reality is that children learn not because we tell them, but how we relate to them. It's the difference between doing to versus doing with."
9 "All conflict with our children originates with our own internal subconscious conflicts."
10 "Our children absorb our ways constantly. They are always watching, listening, making a mental note of what we are doing and how we do it."
11"Every yes or no needs to be part of a coherent flow, not said out of the blue for no real reason. A child raised with such consistency is no longer driven to either comply or defy. They live in harmony with as is or reality."
12 "It's the dynamic that arises from insisting on our own parental agenda that creates the need for discipline."
13 "When it comes to accepting ourselves as imperfect, we set the tone for our children. The degree to which they accept their imperfection tends to be the degree to which we accept and honor our own."
14 "Although we need to abandon our need for perfection, this doesn't mean anything goes. We can challenge our children to do their best without demanding they become perfectionist or conform with the mainstream."
15 "There are all kinds of ways we can help our children cope with their world. Creativity is what is needed, not admonishment or discipline."
16 "Our children didn't come into the world to be our puppets. They came here to struggle, fumble, thrive, and enjoy- a journey for which they need our encouragement."
17 "Our children are constantly telling us what's going on in their inner world through their behavior. But if we don't know how to dicipher the clues, we can't get to the root of the behavior and therefore can't offer the guidance and support that's needed."
18 "Children have similar struggles with feeling hurt, except that they cover up their hurt by rolling their eyes, using rude words, or sticking their tongue out at us. As the stakes become higher, they engage in more risky behavior, which is why you see teens taking drugs, binge drinking, or become promiscuous. These are children who are screaming for help but not receiving it."
19 "Age appropriateness is a keystone of effective parenting. We do our children a disservice by putting them in situations they aren't yet mature enough to handle."
20 "Children are naturally resourceful and only require our guidance, not our manipulation."
21 "Symbiosis is a state in which a child is utterly dependent on the parent, as if the parent were part of the child. Symbiosis is necessary at first because the only way a child can get their needs met is through the parent. While this is appropriate early in the child's life, it's crucial the parent encourage the child to form their own unique identity at an appropriate pace. If the symbiosis continuous too long, the child fails to develop an independent sense of self and remains needy into the adult years. Such neediness then sabotages the individual's ability to function well in the adult world."
22 "It's important to realize that even the seemingly more benign tactics we use to get our children to comply with our wishes are manipulative. 'If you aren't good, Santa won't bring you a Barbie,' a mother tells her six-year-old daughter...All of these are manipulative."
23 "The objective of a creative dialogue around whatever behavior has emerged is to enable our children to meet their own needs within the container of the family's guidelines. The goal is always to empower the child to discover how to regulate his or her own emotions, which automatically results in behavior falling in line with the child's best interest. This requires us to create a safe space for our children to share their problems with us, so that we can creatively develop criteria that work for everyone involved. 'Safe' means our child is permitted to say without being judged, reprimanded, or punished."
24 "By not turning those aspects of life that are optional into issues, we allow a child's natural interests space to emerge, which is the key to their success. When parents take what's naturally life-sustaining and push it on their child for their own ego's gratification, they do the child a disservice because they have moved away from development and into manipulation."
25 "Dysfunctional behavior is always a sign the child has lost touch with who she or he really is. This is why the idea of having rules isn't helpful. It's not about rules, but about connection- of the child to their own inner being and of the parent to the child."
26 "When we fail to foster our children's natural curiosity, allowing them to develop in areas of life with which they connect instead of imposing a set curriculum on them that has more to do with our concerns than theirs, they lose their innate connection to life."
27 "Lack of heart creates the bully, the criminal, the rapist, and the psychopath, not a lack of discipline."
28 "The key element in preventing children from becoming victims of bullying is to encourage their assertiveness... Parents encourage assertiveness when they allow their children's voice to be heard loudly and clearly in the family. A child who can be assertive at home automatically becomes assertive on the playground. Bullies can smell fear. A child who is confident has such an aura of presence about them that they aren't on the bully's radar for long."
29 "Instead of disciplining children, which is inevitably directed toward compliance, parents need to teach their child to know their feelings and not be afraid to speak up if something isn't right. Coming to our children's aid when a situation becomes severe is important, but it's also essential we are attuned to their needs from a young age and teach them to be fearless when it comes to being their own advocates."
30 "If we are to end bullying, all eyes need to turn to the parent-child relationship. Intervention programs at school can only touch the surface level of this complex problem, which has far deeper roots. Intervention needs to begin in the family at an early age, so that children learn to stand up for themselves."
31 "At its roots, sibling rivalry is rivalry for parental attention. Cooperation among siblings emerges when each child feels seen and validated by their parents. When one child begins to feel the other is being favored, things go awry. However, when parents are able to instill within each child the sense that they will be treated fairly and with respect, children don't view each other as rivals, but as allies."
32 "All children yearn for connection- not correction."
33 "The goal of parenting is to love our child from an inner feeling of abundance, which means we don't approach them with fear for their well-being or success. Because we feel complete in ourselves, we have no need to make them conform to need within ourselves. We meet our own needs from the authentic sense of ourselves we have begun to recover, which allows us to be there for our children in the way they require, free of neediness on our part. How they look or perform is no reflection on us. Wanting them to be happy and successful because we will feel better if they are falls by the wayside."
As parents, we should acknowledge our kids' worth and wholeness. Let us not betray them because of the way we were raised and conditioned by our own parents. Our kids are unique. They have worth and have the right to be who they are and not the way we impose them to be.
I encourage you, dear parents, to read Out of Control. It will dramatically change your parent-child relationship like we did. This is probably the best parenting book that I've read so far.
Every parent wants the golden key to raising well-behaved, academically gifted, successful, happy children. Embedded in our collective psyche is the notion that discipline is the cornerstone to achieving these goals. This book lambasts this notion, offering a never-before-published perspective on why the entire premise of discipline is flawed. Dr. Shefali Tsabary shows that the very idea of discipline is a major cause of generations of dysfunction.
Out of Control goes to the heart of the problems we have with our children, challenging society’s dependence of discipline, daring us to let go of our fear-based ideologies and replace them with an approach that draws parent and child together instead of alienating them. The key is ongoing meaningful connection between parent and child, free of head games such as threats, deprivation, punishment, timeouts—indeed, all forms of manipulation. Parents learn how to enter into deep communion with their children, understanding the reasons for a behavior and how to bring out the best in the child. Far from a laissez-faire anything goes approach, this is how a child learns responsibility and takes ownership of their life, equipped with character and resilience that flow naturally from within.
This VIDEO from YouTube shows the overview by Dr. Shefali herself why Out of Control is a must-read for parents. This is also available on Vimeo. This is uploaded prior to the release of the book in January 2014.
I have a happy family but it's not perfect especially when it comes to bringing up my kids. It's not easy to be a mom.
Unconsciously, we tend to raise our children the way we were raised up by our parents. We have the tendency of intervening in their growth by always being there, catching them when they fall. They become so dependent and they become unprepared facing the realities of life because we shelter them too much. Our inconsistencies bring confusion and sometimes because of this, they get away with things that are not appropriate. Boundaries that are not set clearly, not being observant in our kids' way of reaching out, trying to become aggressors instead of guides make their lives with us chaotic.
Giving the chance to read Out of Control by Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D. made me realize so many things about the way I mother my kids. There were points in the book that made me feel like being slapped on the face. I had the time to reflect that most of my practices as a parent I thought were correct but obviously didn't work at all.
Let me give you the excerpts that struck me the most where I started thinking of my own realizations and looked backed on my own experiences as a child and parent:
1 "When we engage with our children from the belief that child discipline is a vital aspect of our role as parents, we assume children are inherently undisciplined and need to be civilized."
2 "Disciplining our child by taking away their phone, yelling or grounding, hitting them only perpetuates the problem, not resolving it."
3 "The patterns of behavior we witness in childhood become the template for our own way of parenting."
4 "We become blinded with our ideals that we forget that we cause damage to our children. if we believe something is for our child's own good, we force our ways on them. Terrorizing a child is a terrible thing to do unless you want to teach them to terrorize."
5 "We don't give consequence. Consequence is something that's automatically built into a situation without having to do anything at all. The moment we imagine we have to give our child a consequence, which requires us to think one, we have moved into the realm of punishment."
6 "The only time we should interfere with natural consequence taking effect is if there's real danger, such as when a child is about to run into a busy road, swallow a poisonous substance, or in other way harm themselves or another person. In other words consequences that are inherently detrimental for children on a universal basis that the child may not know about or understand. In these circumstances we parents have to step in."
7 "When a child's behavior isn't up to par, parents feel they need to do something- whether rescuing them, punishing them, bribing them, or in some way intervening. In contrast, exposing our children to NATURAL CONSEQUENCES requires us to step back from so much doing, while actively monitoring how life is teaching our children and providing encouragement and guidance when they require it."
8 "The reality is that children learn not because we tell them, but how we relate to them. It's the difference between doing to versus doing with."
9 "All conflict with our children originates with our own internal subconscious conflicts."
10 "Our children absorb our ways constantly. They are always watching, listening, making a mental note of what we are doing and how we do it."
11"Every yes or no needs to be part of a coherent flow, not said out of the blue for no real reason. A child raised with such consistency is no longer driven to either comply or defy. They live in harmony with as is or reality."
12 "It's the dynamic that arises from insisting on our own parental agenda that creates the need for discipline."
13 "When it comes to accepting ourselves as imperfect, we set the tone for our children. The degree to which they accept their imperfection tends to be the degree to which we accept and honor our own."
14 "Although we need to abandon our need for perfection, this doesn't mean anything goes. We can challenge our children to do their best without demanding they become perfectionist or conform with the mainstream."
15 "There are all kinds of ways we can help our children cope with their world. Creativity is what is needed, not admonishment or discipline."
16 "Our children didn't come into the world to be our puppets. They came here to struggle, fumble, thrive, and enjoy- a journey for which they need our encouragement."
17 "Our children are constantly telling us what's going on in their inner world through their behavior. But if we don't know how to dicipher the clues, we can't get to the root of the behavior and therefore can't offer the guidance and support that's needed."
18 "Children have similar struggles with feeling hurt, except that they cover up their hurt by rolling their eyes, using rude words, or sticking their tongue out at us. As the stakes become higher, they engage in more risky behavior, which is why you see teens taking drugs, binge drinking, or become promiscuous. These are children who are screaming for help but not receiving it."
19 "Age appropriateness is a keystone of effective parenting. We do our children a disservice by putting them in situations they aren't yet mature enough to handle."
20 "Children are naturally resourceful and only require our guidance, not our manipulation."
21 "Symbiosis is a state in which a child is utterly dependent on the parent, as if the parent were part of the child. Symbiosis is necessary at first because the only way a child can get their needs met is through the parent. While this is appropriate early in the child's life, it's crucial the parent encourage the child to form their own unique identity at an appropriate pace. If the symbiosis continuous too long, the child fails to develop an independent sense of self and remains needy into the adult years. Such neediness then sabotages the individual's ability to function well in the adult world."
22 "It's important to realize that even the seemingly more benign tactics we use to get our children to comply with our wishes are manipulative. 'If you aren't good, Santa won't bring you a Barbie,' a mother tells her six-year-old daughter...All of these are manipulative."
23 "The objective of a creative dialogue around whatever behavior has emerged is to enable our children to meet their own needs within the container of the family's guidelines. The goal is always to empower the child to discover how to regulate his or her own emotions, which automatically results in behavior falling in line with the child's best interest. This requires us to create a safe space for our children to share their problems with us, so that we can creatively develop criteria that work for everyone involved. 'Safe' means our child is permitted to say without being judged, reprimanded, or punished."
24 "By not turning those aspects of life that are optional into issues, we allow a child's natural interests space to emerge, which is the key to their success. When parents take what's naturally life-sustaining and push it on their child for their own ego's gratification, they do the child a disservice because they have moved away from development and into manipulation."
25 "Dysfunctional behavior is always a sign the child has lost touch with who she or he really is. This is why the idea of having rules isn't helpful. It's not about rules, but about connection- of the child to their own inner being and of the parent to the child."
26 "When we fail to foster our children's natural curiosity, allowing them to develop in areas of life with which they connect instead of imposing a set curriculum on them that has more to do with our concerns than theirs, they lose their innate connection to life."
27 "Lack of heart creates the bully, the criminal, the rapist, and the psychopath, not a lack of discipline."
28 "The key element in preventing children from becoming victims of bullying is to encourage their assertiveness... Parents encourage assertiveness when they allow their children's voice to be heard loudly and clearly in the family. A child who can be assertive at home automatically becomes assertive on the playground. Bullies can smell fear. A child who is confident has such an aura of presence about them that they aren't on the bully's radar for long."
29 "Instead of disciplining children, which is inevitably directed toward compliance, parents need to teach their child to know their feelings and not be afraid to speak up if something isn't right. Coming to our children's aid when a situation becomes severe is important, but it's also essential we are attuned to their needs from a young age and teach them to be fearless when it comes to being their own advocates."
30 "If we are to end bullying, all eyes need to turn to the parent-child relationship. Intervention programs at school can only touch the surface level of this complex problem, which has far deeper roots. Intervention needs to begin in the family at an early age, so that children learn to stand up for themselves."
31 "At its roots, sibling rivalry is rivalry for parental attention. Cooperation among siblings emerges when each child feels seen and validated by their parents. When one child begins to feel the other is being favored, things go awry. However, when parents are able to instill within each child the sense that they will be treated fairly and with respect, children don't view each other as rivals, but as allies."
32 "All children yearn for connection- not correction."
33 "The goal of parenting is to love our child from an inner feeling of abundance, which means we don't approach them with fear for their well-being or success. Because we feel complete in ourselves, we have no need to make them conform to need within ourselves. We meet our own needs from the authentic sense of ourselves we have begun to recover, which allows us to be there for our children in the way they require, free of neediness on our part. How they look or perform is no reflection on us. Wanting them to be happy and successful because we will feel better if they are falls by the wayside."
Tsabary, S. (2014), Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't...And What Will. Namaste Publishing
As parents, we should acknowledge our kids' worth and wholeness. Let us not betray them because of the way we were raised and conditioned by our own parents. Our kids are unique. They have worth and have the right to be who they are and not the way we impose them to be.
I encourage you, dear parents, to read Out of Control. It will dramatically change your parent-child relationship like we did. This is probably the best parenting book that I've read so far.
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About the Book
Every parent wants the golden key to raising well-behaved, academically gifted, successful, happy children. Embedded in our collective psyche is the notion that discipline is the cornerstone to achieving these goals. This book lambasts this notion, offering a never-before-published perspective on why the entire premise of discipline is flawed. Dr. Shefali Tsabary shows that the very idea of discipline is a major cause of generations of dysfunction.
Out of Control goes to the heart of the problems we have with our children, challenging society’s dependence of discipline, daring us to let go of our fear-based ideologies and replace them with an approach that draws parent and child together instead of alienating them. The key is ongoing meaningful connection between parent and child, free of head games such as threats, deprivation, punishment, timeouts—indeed, all forms of manipulation. Parents learn how to enter into deep communion with their children, understanding the reasons for a behavior and how to bring out the best in the child. Far from a laissez-faire anything goes approach, this is how a child learns responsibility and takes ownership of their life, equipped with character and resilience that flow naturally from within.
This VIDEO from YouTube shows the overview by Dr. Shefali herself why Out of Control is a must-read for parents. This is also available on Vimeo. This is uploaded prior to the release of the book in January 2014.
About the Author
Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Ph.D., received her doctorate in Clinical Psychology
from Columbia University, New York. Dr. Shefali was exposed to Eastern
philosophy at an early age and integrates its teachings with Western
psychology. It is this blend of East and West that allows her to reach a
global audience, and establishes her as one of a kind in the field of
mindfulness psychology.
Dr. Shefali has worked with a varied demographic: survivors of the
Tsunami, women from economically disadvantaged countries, inner city
youth, suburban families, and corporate leaders. She lectures
extensively on Mindful Living and Conscious Parenting around the world
and currently has a private psychotherapy practice in New York city. Her
first book, "It's a Mom: What you should know about the early years of
motherhood" debuted on the Indian bestseller list for four weeks. "The
Conscious Parent" is her second book.
Dr. Shefali Tsabary lives in New York and blogs on The Huffington Post.
Her blogs, talks, two-minute video introduction to her new book, cover art, photos, table of contents, and chapter one may be found here: http://www.namastepublishing.com/media-page-out-control while her Namaste Publishing page and links to her books may be found here: http://www.namastepublishing.com/people/shefali-tsabary-phd.
Acknowledgement
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